


Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 19:35:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis hates himself and it’s Harry’s fault for being so stupidly gorgeous. Also it turns out Harry is kind of a mess and no one really knows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first oneshot so be nice, please. Also, I plan on adding a part two later because I know this ends pretty abruptly and there’s a few things that aren’t addressed that I’d like to wrap up eventually. Anyway, enjoy. Tell me what you think :)
> 
> Also, I wasn't sure what to rate this but I put it as mature because there are themes of self harm and suicide? Just know there could be triggers and let me know if I should rate it as something else because I'm obviously new to this site and don't really know what I'm doing. Thanks xx

Have you ever felt trapped? Like everything was moving a million miles an hour and your life was a blur and everything was speeding by? That's how I feel lately. Right now, always. I feel stuck, out of control, and it hurts. My body feels empty. I just want to sleep. 

Still, I don't want to die. Not really. So that's why I'm bent over the toilet, forcing my hands down my throat, puking up the pills I just swallowed. Fear churns inside me as I do so. Why am I such an idiot? I changed my mind. I don't want to die. I don't want to die right now. 

What got me this far? If I'm being honest, it was Harry. I hate placing blame or anything, but if he could stop being so god damn gorgeous, I might be able to handle myself a little better. And it's not just Harry, no, it's everything. Eleanor, Harry, management, press, the boys, Harry, concerts, lights, Harry... It's so many things, adding up. Everything just feels like it's going so fast all of a sudden, like I can't catch up to my own life. It's scary. 

Speaking of scary, I must look it right now, what with my body bent over the toilet, vomit spewing everywhere in between sobs. I can't stop, though, it all needs to come out. I need it out, I want to live.

I hear the door click and realize someone is walking in, but I can't stop myself in time. Whoever it is, they're going to see me like this. That feeling of panic is enough to bring up another round of nausea.

"Lou?" It's Harry. Of course it's Harry. The boys must have all gone home by now.

"I'm fine," I sob. "Just-I'll be out in a minute."

But he's not going to buy that because there's an empty pill bottle right in plain sight and even if there wasn't, I definitely am not in a state to pass for "fine."

"Lou," his voice his low, "what happened?"

"Nothing, Haz."

"Please talk to me, okay? Did you take these?" I turn my head slightly and catch sight of him holding up the pill bottle. I nod, but don't move away from the toilet. I don't completely trust my stomach to stay steady yet. 

"Okay, okay," now he's breathing fast, marching over to me, frantic. "Alright, let's just-are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital or did you...get them all out?"

He's looking in the toilet bowl and I want to die. Not really, but this is so humiliating and I just hate myself so much right now. I shake my head. "No hospital. I think I'm okay now."

"Are you sure, Louis? Please don't lie right now, not about this. I need you to be okay."

"I am. I'm okay. I changed my mind," my voice breaks and turns to crying on the last word and I'm being lifted into a hug. "I'm sorry," I sob, clinging to his shirt.

"It's alright, listen, we're going to clean you up, okay?" he asks. 

I nod and Harry leads me to the sink, handing me a toothbrush. I brush quickly and then remove my shirt, as it's dirty now. Harry flushes the toilet and starts the shower. I blush. He's expecting me to get in there and, while we've never had trouble being naked around each other before, I just tried to kill myself and part of it was because of feelings for him...so. I'm feeling a bit awkward.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Just, look away, can you? I'm just." 

"Yeah, okay," he turns his head and I drop my clothes, stepping into the warmth of the shower. When I'm done, he does the same thing, turning his head so I can dry off. "Do you want me to call your mum? Eleanor?" he asks as I get dressed.

"Not right now," I tell him. "Please, I don't want them to know."

Harry turns back to me and gives me a look, but he doesn't say anything. I pull on a shirt that he brought in while I was showering, one of his own plain white t-shirts. When I'm done and dry and dressed, he pulls me into his bedroom. We sit side by side on his bed in the dark. 

"Why'd you do it?" he asks, and it's not like I wasn't expecting this, but I don't really have a good answer. So, I avoid the real reasons (the main ones being my huge, ridiculous, fangirl crush on him and having to date Eleanor as a cover without her even _knowing_ she's a cover and therefore hating myself for the inevitable hurt I will cause everyone) and stick with a question in return. 

My voice is hoarse and I can't look at him, so I opt for staring at the floor instead. "Do you ever just feel so bad it aches?" 

"Suppose so."

"I just, I'm not..." I trail off, searching for the right words. "I'm not happy."

He stares. "You could be."

"But when?" My voice drops to a cracked whisper, "it's been so long..."

And then suddenly I'm being enveloped in strong arms, pulled sideways onto the bed and squeezed so tight I can barely breathe. 

"Please don't leave me. Please, Lou. I need you."

I'm about to make a joke about how I won't need to kill myself if he doesn't stop smothering me, when I realize there are hot tears landing on my chest. My stomach lurches. I'm a terrible person. 

Harry must sense my sudden guilt because he backs off a bit. "Don't-don't feel bad. I just need you to be here," he breathes. 

"I'm here," I tell him.

"Promise?"

"Yeah, promise."

 

xxx

 

The next few days are strangely quiet. We don't have any shows, just a few radio interviews, so it's nice. Liam, Zayn, and Niall stay over at our flat and play video games. Harry doesn't bring up my little incident. For the first time in a long while, I feel relaxed, at ease. It's brilliant. 

It's Eleanor that ruins it. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. Just...not the way I'm supposed to. I know I'm going to end up hurting her and that hurts me, so much. So, when she calls, I take it and make small talk and hang up with a quick "love you" that tastes bitter. 

Harry notices, of course, but doesn't bring it up until the boys leave.The moment I turn the lock behind Liam's back, Harry is there.

"What did Eleanor say, Lou? What made you upset?"

And it hurts because his eyes are so huge and green and his curls and just...How can I tell him that it's not El that hurts me, but _him?_ Him, the lies, everything. How can I say that?

I can't and I don't. I shrug, like a child in trouble. 

Harry sighs. "I'm just really worried about you, okay? I'm scared that someone will say something to set you off again," he admits, biting his lip.

_Could you not?_ I think, but out loud I say, "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, just, know that you can tell me anything, alright?"

"I know, Haz. It's really nothing, okay?"

He nods, but I can tell he doesn't believe me. Still, he leads me to the couch. "Let's just watch some telly," he suggests.

"Okay." I nod, eager to get away from these dangerous subjects. I'm even more eager to snuggle up with Harry-

_No, you can't think like that,_ I curse myself in my head. 

"Actually, I think I'm just going to go to bed," I say. "I'm tired."

Without waiting for a reply, I bolt from the room. My stomach churns as I lay on my bed, boiling with self hatred. Why can't I control myself? _Harry will never want you, get that through your head,_ I think. And, _you're not good enough for him._ I torture myself with these thoughts until I finally drift off to sleep. 

 

xxx

 

Harry doesn't come out for breakfast the next morning and though I feel guilty for ditching him so suddenly last night, I assume he probably wants to be left alone. I also don't want to talk to him right now, not until I can be sure I won't have tempting thoughts. 

Still, when I haven't seen or heard any sign of him by evening, I start to get a little worried. What if he's really angry at me? I ignore these thoughts and go to my bedroom, thinking maybe he's just waiting for me to vacate the living room so he can use the telly. Sure enough, the moment my door clicks shut, I hear his open down the hall. Footsteps shuffle by and I bite down hard on my lip. 

_Don't cry,_ I think, _don't fucking cry about this. Be an adult._ Tears come anyway.

Suddenly I am so overwhelmed with self hatred that I can't bear to be alone. I whip around and yank my bedroom door open, intending to beg Harry to forgive me for being a dumb idiot last night. Quick as a flash, though, he disappears into the bathroom. I wasn't expecting that. Why would he go in there and not back to his bedroom? I am temporarily startled out of my depression. Now I'm mostly just curious. 

"Haz?" I call, stepping toward the loo. "You oka- _ugh._ " My foot slips in something wet and I grimace, bending down to examine it. My stomach rolls when I see what it is. Blood. 

"Harry, open the door. Please," I'm frantic now. Harry's _bleeding_ and locked in the bathroom and I don't know why or what's happening. "Please open the door. I'm sorry about last night."

The lock clicks and before he can change his mind, I push the door open. "Oh, _Hazza,_ " I gasp.

His arm is bright red, no longer bleeding but covered in cuts from his wrist to his inner elbow. His face is completely blank. Here I am, nearly in hysterics (getting a dose of what he must have felt the other night, I realize), and Harry is just staring at me, void of emotion.

"Why?" I ask, grabbing his arm. "Why would you do this?"

"Have you ever felt so bad it just aches?" he whispers, barely audible. My exact words from the other night, explaining why I'd taken the pills.

That breaks me. "Harry, I'm so sorry. Whatever made you feel like you had to do this...I'm sorry," I sob.

"Don't," he says, yanking his arm away. "Just, don't, Louis. I'm fine, okay? Forget it."

I am so utterly confused at this point that I simply watch as he retreats down the hall to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. I scan the rest of the restroom. It's spotless. He must have wiped it down before letting me in, I guess. Feeling ill, I walk back to my own room and fall onto the bed. My body suddenly feels heavy, too heavy to carry around. I close my eyes and fall into uneasy sleep once again.

 

xxx

 

It's after midnight when I wake up to a soft knock on my door. It opens slightly and a figure steps in. Harry. I blink and rub my eyes, propping myself up on one elbow. 

"Can I lay with you?" he asks. 

I stare at him. His curls are matted with sweat, eyes round and wet as if he's been crying. He looks very much like a small, broken child. 

"It's okay if you don't want me to."

"It's not that I don't want you to, Harry. I'm just really confused," I admit. 

He bites his lip. "Let me lay down and we can talk?"

I scoot over and pat the bed, allowing him in. He lies on his back and covers his legs with the blankets. I become acutely aware of how his bare skin feels against my own and blush, moving away. He doesn't seem to notice. 

"So..." it's my turn to bite my lip.

"I guess I'll start by saying I'm sorry. I guess, just, that's not how I would've chosen for you to find out about the self harm."

"It's okay, Haz. It just made me really scared when you didn't come out all day and then I saw blood on the floor and I panicked. And your arm, god, Haz...Why'd you do it?"

"I've always done it. Since I was fourteen."

"I mean, why today, specifically?"

He sighs. "I'm going to tell you something really important and I need you to just not interrupt, okay?

"Okay," I agree, nervous.

"Okay, I mean. This is really hard. I know we're really close, but I've always been scared to tell you because I didn't want to ruin everything and I know you're so in love with Eleanor and I never wanted to do this to you but it's _killing_ me, Lou. I can't stop crying and cutting and hating myself." He's crying now, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

"Shh, Harry, it's okay," I pat his arm, unsure of what to say. My heart is beating about a million times faster than it should be, but until I'm one hundred percent sure that he means what I think he means, I'm not going to breathe a word. 

"I just, I'm r-really in love with you," he sobs, curling into himself on the bed. 

A weight has just lifted off my chest. I know that's cheesy and all, but really. I could sing. Instead, I wrap my arms around Harry's and pry them apart. 

"Hey," I say. "I'm in love with you, too."

Then our lips crash together and for a little while, everything is alright.


End file.
